Aww, crap.

Part 2 - 9.1.2022

I suppose you're wondering why I've gathered you here today.

I hope you brought enough cigars for everyone.

I want to talk about personal choice. It's a big, hot, issue. I'm not talking about the Right to Choose (though I'd be glad to debate that elsewhere, and have in the past). I'm talking about little, personal, choices with minor impact. Or maybe not so minor, depending on which side of that conference table you're sitting.

I had my scans at Hospital of St. Raphael - the bones, the chest, the pelvis and all the parts in between. The scans (my nursey friends may have called them PET scans, but I don't know if that is accurate to these specifically, so I'll stick with scans). The awesome! incredible! excellent! news is that my cancer has not spread farther than my lymph nodes. WOO HOO!!

A hat, gloves, a bow tie... and no pants. No wonder he's happy. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Gotdam GREAT news, right?!? Because I peeked at MyChart (even though my nursey daughter, who is way smarter than I, told me not to) I knew already that my scans were clean. I made the mistake of assuming that because my scans were clean, I wouldn't need chemo. I let myself believe it was off the table.

I based this on an offhanded comment Dr. S (medical oncologist) said to me in my first visit with her. She talked about the hormonal aspect of my cancer and how, in her experience, it was the type that did not spread. If the scans she was scheduling for me showed no spread, I would likely NOT need chemo.

My smart nurse daughter warned me. She said not to read the MyChart and try to interpret the report. She knows her stuff, and, she knows her mother. And what did her mother do? Exactly what she told me not to do. I am an idiot and I jumped to the conclusion that I wouldn't need chemo.

I mean, if you insist on the formality.

So I had to wait a while after the scans to actually speak to Dr. S and hear her analysis. Shoulda listened to the kid.

She's had YEARS of experience.

Dr. S disabused me of the notion I would not need chemo. She can't say definitively I will or definitively I won't. She will say that it's "probable". I've learned my lesson: Listen to the smarty pants people. The End.

Back to those personal choices I brought you here to discuss.

Another part of my visit with Dr. S was discussing my taking part in a clinical trial. I'm gonna lay it out as plainly as I remember it. I am 100% sure there's more to it than what I'm about to tell you, but this is the basic idea:

If I were to participate in the clinical trial offered at Yale, I would first agree to postpone bilateral mastectomy surgery. For about 6 months¹. Then they would remove the largest of the many tumors. The tumor would be tested for eligibility. If Little Miss Tumor (or LMT as she's known around these here parts) was found worthy, LMT and I would be entered into the trial, and I'd have to do a lot of testing (MRIs, scans, miscellaneous whatevs) along the way. The end result would be a possible² reduction in size of LMT, which in turn would possibly² make surgery easier on me.

¹ Strike One. Not walking around with this shit for another 6 months.

² Strike Two. Vagaries and cancer, never a good combination.

Did you catch that last part? Surgery. Another surgery, in addition to the one to remove LMT. The second surgery is the one I've already decided to have, just pushed out by 6 months.

So, after finishing the trial, I'd have the bilateral mastectomy, then I'd go on to do whatever treatment I hadn't already gone through in the auspiciousness of the trial. Maybe chemo? Maybe radiation? Again? Or for the first time? Who knows? "Not I" said the dancing duck. (see above).

However, if LMT and and I were deemed not worthy, we would be reeee-jected...

The Knicks still haven't signed Donovan Mitchell?

...and go back to square one.

Now you could argue that Yale is a teaching hospital known for groundbreaking discoveries and groundbreaking discoveries are the result of clinical trials. Clinical trials are only successfully groundbreaking if they have participants. And you would be correct.

Here's where that whole personal choice thing factors (see what I did there? you thought I was just rambling on and looking for a way to talk about sports, like any other Thursday).

But NO!

I had to make a choice, a very personal choice. I chose to not participate in the clinical trial. I don't want to be selfish. I know that by declining the study, I am putting myself before others. To tell you the honest truth, I don't do that very often and I'm not comfortable with it. Hence, the point of this blog. I want to be helpful. I just don't want to put myself or my family or even my job through unnecessary crap. And it will - 100% - be crap. More crappy visits to Yale. More crappy testing. More crappy surgery. More crappy drains. More crappy recovery.

I can't.

I cannot.

By declining the trial, I am now clear for surgery. I don't have a date yet, but I do meet with the surgical oncologist, Dr P, on Tuesday and that's when I should be scheduled.

AND NOW WE WAIT...