The other side...

It's been 17 days since I woke from amputation surgery. It's been ok... not what I expected, but ok. Painful. Humiliating. Debilitating. Alienating. Nauseating. Frustrating. Demoralizing. I have a thesaurus; I can go on.

I've tried a few times to write a funny blog post, or to just give an update and I cannot. I don't have it in me yet.

I will say, this has been a lot harder than I ever expected. It has put incredible strain on all facets of my life, so many that it would be easier to list what isn't suffering because of my cancer, than to list what is.

What isn't suffering is..... I just sat with my head in my hands for 4 minutes and couldn't think of a single thing that cancer hasn't changed.

Everything is different on the other side.

I want to shout out that "I don't got this" and "I ain't no badass".

I want to shake my fists at the sky, Grampa Simpson-style, and scream WHY ME?

Not gonna do any of that. I'll just keep going to my appointments, getting poked at a lot, getting kicked while I'm down occasionally, and being very, eternally, grateful for the people who have shown me kindness, generosity, patience, and love.

Hopefully I shrug this dark mood off and come back with some jokes soon.