Part 6: Like my then 8-year-old said "Never stand on a swively chair"

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9.8.2022

It's finally happening. I have a surgery date. Yay? I think?

I should say "YAY! I THINK!".

In a lot of ways, I'm very, very, glad this is happening as soon as it is. In other ways, I'm scared shitless.

That's a flat-out lie. In all the ways I'm scared shitless.

This is Major Surgery, man! Like between 8 and 12 hours of being under!

But wait! There's more!

There are the inherent risks involved with anesthesia. There's all that bleeding, which begets a (slim) possibility of needing a transfusion, which has its own risks. There're the possibilities and probabilities of blood clots, infections, numbness, scaring.

Oh and death. Can't forget death!

I hope like hell that the Grim Reaper really does have a Jamaican accent.

So it's all scary and blah blah and I should be stepping back to gain some perspective, because the train has left the station. Time's almost up. Cat's out of the bag. Shoe's about to drop. We've come full circle..........

(Think, dammit, THINK! There has to be more idioms I can put here!!! Fine! I'll stop.)

Yes, it's scary, but also, I have an amazing support network. However there are some things that I want.

Below, I will be calculating my "Needs and Wants" as we say in the ol' bizzzz world.

60% of the time, it works every time

Bet some of you are wondering why it took so long for me to slip a little Anchorman into a blog post.

I have my favorite husband named Dave. He's is always behind me, beside me, and with me. 100% unfailingly, mine. Next week is our anniversary: 5 years of meeting, and 4 years of being married. I want to be able to put a number 2 in front of those years, have a long, long life together. I need him to know that he has made me happy, like I never knew I could be, like they talk about in romance novels. Not the Fabio part, the "I can't wait to spend my life with you" part. That's the best part.

I have my mom and dad. They. Are. Everything. They are the bedrock on which our family is built. They are the touchstones that make us who we are. I know my brother and I are lucky beyond measure that we've never not had their love and support and companionship. I want to be able to provide for them even just a fraction as well as they've always done for me. I need to be not dead and also marginally healthy to do that.

I have my girls and Mike. I always wanted to be a mom. I wanted to have babies and more babies. What I got was these two girls that I have loved with every single cell in my body since I knew they existed. I need them to know that they have given me the best snuggles and smiles, the most vital life-lessons, and gratifying moments of amusement and entertainment any mother could wish for. That I got to love them, squish them, hold and comfort them, cheer for and applaud them, nurture them, encourage and motivate them is by far the greatest accomplishment of my life. I want them to know that.

Regardless of the fact that I told Abbey the day Andy Pettitte came out of retirement was the greatest day of my life. (she responded "Thanks, Mom.")

My brother, who I talk to every day, may be a butthead in my 12 year-old-mind, because he's my little brother and that's pretty much the law, but he's also the best man I know. He is an amazing dad, coach and son. And his wife likes him most days, too. Kidding! My SIL is also amazing, not only because she lives with 4 boys by choice, but because she is loyal, caring, funny and authentic. Added to that? She takes no shit. None. I want my brother and sister-in-law to know how much they mean to me. They are my ride-or-die (I believe I'm using that correctly, IDK, I'm old). I love my three nephews like they were my own. There isn't one thing in the world I wouldn't do for any one of them (unless it's after 7pm on Sunday night... then I'ma need them to go tf home).

One toe is all it takes

And I have, up till now neglected to tell you about my friends. Not because they aren't worthy of praise, but because if you know, you know. Believe me, they know. I am the luckiest SOB in the Got Friends Lottery. I have friends that say "Fuck you, you asshole" to my face and mean "I love you" (ok, there's just one friend who does that and she is one of a kind. I love her to death.). I have friends who love me, love my kids, and are part of my family, as I am part of theirs. There isn't a week that goes by that I don't hear from them or them from me. We are each other's Always There for You people - a rarity and a treasure that doesn't go away. I have friends I've known since high school. If people knew your jerk-ass in high school and can still tolerate you? Jackpot. Sometimes they make me do the snort-thing out of my nose from laughing so hard because they do know my jerk-ass and yet, here they are. I have newish friends who I feel like I've known my whole life and who I love with all my heart. We share so much and have common interests across age gaps and life's quirky surprises.

Told ya. Luckiest SOB in the Got Friends Lottery. I need their candor, support, humor, and sincerity to help me get through every single day. I want to be as a good a friend to them as they are to me.

That's quite an extensive Wish List. Christmas is coming... but so is my surgery date.

<insert the sad trombone here please, AJ>

I'll be going under September 28th. They told me to plan for a 3-day stay. Not sure if that means 3 days, 2 nights like a cruise ship, or like Wednesday surgery + Thursday + Friday + Saturday = 3 days. I don't have enough bathing suits for a 4-day, 3-night stay, so hopefully I get the eff outta there Friday.

Still have some testing to do, but not a lot. This week I have a CTA - which, if I heard right, is a scan that makes a map of the blood vessels in my stomach to be used as an aid for reconnecting the DIEP tissue they will remove and use for reconstruction.

It better work a whole lot more than 60% of this time.

Then an EKG, and some blood work and, finally genetic testing in a few weeks before a Covid test the week of.

In the here-and-now, we've got some birthdays to celebrate, it's football season, and I kinda want to get on with the rest of my life. Scratch that. I need to get on with the rest of my life.

It's a good one.

AND NOW WE WAIT...