Part 7: Like my then 8-year-old said "Never stand on a swively chair"

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9.26.2022

It's the final countdown!

I really hope you sang/read that with all the glam rock glory it deserves.

So, yeah. In about 36 hours from now, I'll have a few less body parts and hopefully a new lease on life. I think we're prepared: I scoured the interwebs for every recommendation and suggestion to make life post-surgery easier on me and everyone in my house.

Here's my list of post-mastectomy additions:

1. An electric lift chair

The first thing I bought was a chair. Not the eponymous swively chair, but a stand-me-up chair.

You'll never guess who's in my chair, Goldilocks.

So this thing is supposed to stand me right up when I loose the use of my core muscles. I think it will be a big help. I plan to sleep and/or live in it for the first few weeks.

2. A hospital style tray table.

This, in conjunction with the stand-me-up chair, is where I will conduct all my business over the next few weeks. I like it. What do you think? (not actual footage)

I wonder if I can get my meals served in compartmentalized trays when I get home...

3. (And speaking of doing business) A bidet toilet seat

Listen, I know this whole experience is and will continue to be humbling and at times humiliating. My people (mother, husband, children, friends) will be dressing and undressing me. They will help me in the shower. They will brush my hair, my teeth and my dog (not a euphemism) since I won't have use of my arms for a while. In an attempt to retain a small shred of dignity, I bought a bidet seat so that I can, at the very least, go to the bathroom alone.

It's got all the bells and whistles. Hopefully, it doesn't also whistle.

It's supposed to be delivered while I'm in surgery and DF will install it. I expect everyone in my house to try it out before I get home and adjust accordingly. Just make sure it doesn't shoot me into the air like I sat on an open fire hydrant, ok?

I bought mastectomy clothes: tank tops that can be pulled up, not over, since, no arm use; post-surgery hoodies with drain pockets; a robe with drain pockets; zip-up night gowns; soft, pull-on pants; compression stuff; fuzzy stuff; ice packs; hair holding stuff. Not to mention all the great stuff I got in the basket from my pals Nikki and Chelsea (💕💕) .

Idk, it's a lot of stuff, man.

I packed my hospital bag. I'm prepared to hand over my office work on Tuesday afternoon. I'm ready.

If I forgot anything, I have that awesome support team. They're there for me, always.

I will do what I gotta do and be at Yale New Haven Hospital at 5:30am and get this horrible, murderous, deadly, vile, devastating, killer out of my body.

See you on the other side, amigos!!

AND NOW WE WAIT...